The 2016 Oscar Gift Bag And Comments

I know. You were just dying to read my take on this. I shall happily oblige. I report the items and their monetary value as reported by a website called "Good.Is."

Haze Dual Vaporizer ($250)

Relevant only for those celebrities who choose to vape their marijuana. I claim no expertise here.

Personalized M&Ms ($300)

I'm suspicious of the monetary value here, but have no further comment.

A 10,000-meal donation made in the nominee's name to an animal shelter or rescue of their choice ($6,300)

Ethically problematic. I wonder if the celebrity can opt-out of this. If not, then the "gift" is really the use/abuse of a celebrity's name for a political agenda. I imagine most celebrities are used to this kind of thing, and probably have good lawyers who specialize in preventing it.

A lifetime supply of Pu-erh Tea Nourishing Cream and Pu-erh Tea Cleansing Bar ($31,200)

Any time I see something like this, I wonder whether the sponsor will actually last through that celebrity's lifetime and will remain solvent enough to follow through on its gift.

A year's worth of Audi car rentals from Silvercar ($45,000)

For the celebrity who cannot afford their own car.

10-day all-expenses-paid trip to Israel ($55,000)

And let me guess: Comes with a free photo-op so that the celebrity can be as conspicuous about vacationing in Israel as possible?

Tribute video services ($125)

This is probably really useful for actors.

Caolion Ultimate Pore Care gift set ($134)

This is probably nice, too.

Healing Saint Luminosity skin serum and hair follicle stimulant ($193)

I have never wanted to stimulate my hair follicles, but I'm not judging you if that's your bag.

Private 15-day walking tour of Japan ($54,000)

For the famous person who wants to walk around in a crowded public place during a holiday.

10 personal training sessions with Alexis Seletzky ($900)

Unless the celebrity is already planning on switching PTs, this strikes me as fairly useless.

Belldini gift certificate ($300)

Probably nice.

Chapstick ($6)

This one's just weird. Right up there with a pack of Brawny paper towels.

Chocolatines Drunken Fig Cake Bites ($35)

Likely delicious.

Dandi Patch anti-perspirant solution ($21)

The operable word is solution. What does it come in, a beaker?

Delovery gift basket ($2,000)

This is probably something that people from L.A. swoon over. I have no idea what it is.

Druzy earrings ($25)

A $25 pair of earrings? This must have been an impulse purchase they picked up while shopping for the Chapstick.

Fit Club TV “Ultimate Fitness Package” ($6,250)

Hey, baby. Wanna see my ultimate fitness package?

Gleener on the Go ($12)

I had no idea what this was, but it's actually pretty cool. Removes fuzz from clothing. Nice.

3-day stay at the Golden Door Resort & Spa in San Marcos, California ($4,800)

Let me guess, no weekends or holidays, not for use during peak season, cannot be combined with any other offer.

3-night stay at the Grand Hotel Excelsior Vittoria in Sorrento, Italy ($5,000)

Probably nice for those celebrities who already happen to be in Sorrento.

3-night stay at the Grand Hotel Tremezzo in Lake Como, Italy ($5,000)

Well, I guess I might as well spend an extra 3 days in Lake Como then, right?

Greenhill Blanc de Blancs wine ($39)

Gone before the ceremonies are over.

Hydroxycut Gummies ($20)

Betcha can't eat just one.

3 fitness training sessions with Jay Cardiello ($1,400)

Again, unless you're already planning on getting a new trainer...

Joseph's Toiletries toilet paper ($275)

Wow, I totally retract my Brawny paper towel comment.

Sterling silver necklace ($150)

No joke, I bet this is awesome.

Memobottles ($47)

It's a reusable water bottle. Celebrities probably have tons of these kinds of things coming out of every cupboard.

El Silencio Mezcal ($75)

Gone before the after party is over.

Mission1 protein bar ($6)

Probably fed to the dog, but likely very tasty.

Nuelle Fiera arouser for her ($250)

Well, I didn't see that coming...

Phantom Glass screen protector ($50-$60)

Probably cool, but will probably go unused.

Purely Inspired Organic Protein ($20)

Every male celeb is swooning over this.

Rouge Maple culinary products ($99)

Details not specified, leading me to wonder what we're talking about here. Serving spoons? Tapanade?

Sedone Lace makeup brush set ($110)

I got nothing here.

Signature Vodka ($70)

Gone by the end of the night.

Slimware plates ($30)

Not sure what $30 gets you for kitchen china. Four dinner plates? A teacup?

Steamist spa system ($5,060)

It's a spa, it's a system, it's two things in one!

Sundial powder coating ($500)

I have never needed to coat my sundial in powder. Is it more accurate that way?

Blow dryers and flat irons ($250)

People are coming up to Don Cheadle going, "Dude, are you gonna use that?"

Vampire Breast Lift ($1,900)

I bet the maitre'd will do it for free.

Wallet ($125)

In case you came to the Oscars without one.

740 Park plastic surgery ($5,530)

Not sure how they arrived at that specific number, but I bet Hollywood knows.